I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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