I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
