I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
