My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
