I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
