It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
