At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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