I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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