Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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