Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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