so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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