Your dad touched me again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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