there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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