I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
