just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
