I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
