I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
