I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
