I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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