i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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