now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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