You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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