he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
