theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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