Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
