Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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