Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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