also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
