i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
