like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
