Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
