First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The air was thick with penises
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
