Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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