i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
