I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
