i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
