shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
