I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
