the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
BRING THE BAGELS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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