dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
