This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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