and you said cock pushups were impossible
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
