he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
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