none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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