Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The uberlube is also flammable
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
