I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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