our cab driver is having phone sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
