How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
