she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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