so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
