also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
